Munich Musings: The art of flight

I know I usually 'muse' about the differences between life in Munich and life at home in Northern Ireland but this was something that occurred to me when I was quite literally between Munich and Northern Ireland.

I eagerly await the day when it is financially viable for me, when going home, to select the Aer Lingus Munich to Dublin option over the Ryanair 'Munich West' to Dublin option. As painful as it is to say, I fear this may never be the case and I may be destined to fly Ryanair on any remaining visit home. Ireland's flag carrying airline is not exactly what you would describe as luxury, but as many people know, the term luxury has taken on new meaning since the advent of Ryanair. Luxury air travel to me is really just anything but Ryanair. You really start to appreciate those few extra centimetres leg room, those few Euros saved on the 'admin' fee, baggage costs and those few pleasant employees you encounter along the way on your voyage. Ranting about budget airlines and in particular Ryanair is by no means novel, nor do I plan to go over the absurdity of multiple admin fees for one single transaction; the 100EUR to carry a musical instrument; the charge to print out a boarding pass at the airport; the chaotic and totally incomprehensible pricing strategy etc but I feel one thing just cannot go unmentioned.

I have two options to get home. I live in Northern Ireland but direct flights only go from Dublin to Munich. This I can live with as I have to admit, my dad is usually waiting at Dublin to make the quick drive up the road. We catch up while doing so and this actually has become a cherished part of the journey for me. Anyway, I can fly from Munich to Dublin with Aerlingus or Munich West to Dublin with Ryanair. Munich West, for those of you not in the know, is that little airport in the west of Munich. It's very convenient. You know the one? Or is it just outside Munich to the west? (Must stop sarcasm). 'Munich West' is of course in Memmingen; 68 miles west of Munich. So this option is actually the Munich - Memmingen - Dublin route. There is however, the Allgäu Airport Express which serves this Ryanair route with typical efficiency and punctuality. An hour and forty minutes is nothing in a comfortable bus departing from Hauptbanhof and cruising the Autobahn, but of course, you have to take into account the 15EUR charge each way; surely this can nullify the difference in the two prices? Sadly not. Ryanair is what it is and anyone sensible does not take advantage of the ludicrously cheap flights and expect anything in return. You grin and bare it, while constantly thinking of the price you paid in an effort to justify your current misery and offer your knees some excuse as to why they are being put through what they are.

The days of PanAm and prestigious air travel are all but gone except for the elite during long hauls, so it is a given that on most short haul flights you will get crying babies, noisy Hen parties, drunken football fans and people being sick (in the bag so kindly not provided in the seat back by Ryanair). It is not the fellow passengers who impose this misery on you. Indeed, most budget airlines are affordable and so one cannot sensibly pass comment on the 'type of people' that Ryanair attracts. The demographics are similar across most of the airlines. However, the thing that struck me was the way in which Ryanair treat their own clientele. Not only do you typically witness substandard customer service, but they cater for every possible vice one could have. What must they think of us? Drinker? Well of course, select from our menu or choose from our trolley. We couldn't have you survive this 25 minute flight to Glasgow without a drink. Smoker? No problem, electric cigarettes are paraded down the aisle in regular or menthol flavours. Perhaps you like a little flutter? Buy one of our Ryanair scractchcards that there never appear to be any winners of. Until recently I thought the only vice not fuelled was womanising. I used to joke to friends; what's next, parading prostitutes down the aisle like a boxing ring girl being auctioned? Not quite, but then, there is the Ryanair stewardess calendar. The pinnacle of a career, where lucky staff are pictured semi-clad on a beach in Tenerife, all in the good name of charity. On my most recent flight home, Miss August happened to be in active duty. Once the drinking, smoking and gambling had been offered I witnessed Miss August parade down the aisle holding a picture of herself in her Bikini, trying to sell it to passengers. Not too far off I thought to myself, not too far off at all.